Sina was Wrong. The Qur’an is a very good and useful book - Ibn Kammuna & Ibrahim Lone

Pundits, such as Dr Ali Sina, claim that the Qur’an is not a good book. In fact it is filthy and evil. While we may not contest this claim directly, we, the good Muslims Ibn Kammuna and Ibrahim Lone, still believe that the Qur’an is good and useful in many aspects. Many Islamic countries print the Qur’an and distribute it free of charge. We encourage that because, as the reader will see shortly, there are many good uses for the Qur’an. What you see here is only a partial list. We are confident that the readers of this forum will direct our attention to a multiplicity of uses that we have not noticed, or just over-looked. Here are some of the uses that we think are very good for the holy Qur’an:

1. In winter time, wood stoves and wood fires are common in many parts of the world. The papers of the Qur’an are a perfect candidate for use as a fire starter. So, use it wisely and do not use much of it in one time. We believe in going green when possible, and using the least amount of Quranic paper to start a fire is an environmentally-friendly option. We think Al Gore will nominate us for some kind of an award for this recommendation.
2. We think that Sina was wrong in recommending the Qur’an as a toilet paper. This is not a good recommendation for many reasons. First, there is toilet paper readily available in almost all stores, and cheap. Second, it is unhygienic, and may cause some skin rash that is hard to heal. Knowing the content of the Qur’an, we believe such practice will cause major physical illnesses. Medical care is very costly nowadays. So, we strongly recommend the Qur’an for starting useful heating fires, instead of a toilet paper. Having said that, we do not believe that the Qur’an rises up to a respectable level that makes it good for bathroom use.
3. If you have young children, we recommend giving them papers of the Qur’an to tear it apart. Kids like taking papers and tearing them apart. What is better than the Qur’an for this purpose? It will help motor skills development for children. It will help them ease up their frustrations by tearing up the Qur’an. It will also give your kids something to do. So, this is definitely a win-win-win situation. We do have kids, and it is so nice to get away from their aggravation by giving them something useful to do.
4. The Quranic hard cover is very useful for kids too. Just separate it from the papers of the Qur’an, and give it to your children. Children are creative and will find many uses for them. One of our little girls used it as a “play tray” and brought her dad empty “play cups” of tea to drink. It is just a joy to see our kids happy playing and putting the Qur’an to a good use.
5. The papers of the Qur’an can be used to make flying kites for children. One can also use such papers to teach his/her children how to make kites. Kids are great and can imitate what you do with your Quranic paper on their Quranic papers. With few attempts, your kids will thank you, and will be able to make kites of the Qur’an any time they want. We believe this activity of making “Quranic” kites should be a family activity that promotes learning, bonding, love and care between family members. Is there any question left about the Qur’an being useful?
6. Another useful point to mention here is that there is a need to consume as many free Qur’ans as possible. This will take money away from Islamic governments and agencies giving them fewer resources to use for Jihadi activities. This is also a good by-product of our keen promotion of the Qur’an as a good and useful book.
7. We think the hard covers of the Qur’an can have multiple useful uses. Here are some examples: cup holder, separation markers between papers or folders, cleaning shoes from mud and dirt, Frisbee .. etc.
8. Ladies this is for you especially if you are working from home. Get a bunch of hardbound copies of the Qur’an and use them as step ladders. This way you won’t have to invest in buying one.
9. We also feel that Qur’an can be used for punishing naughty kids at school and home. All one has to do is to make them read the Quran rather than putting them into detention. We are pretty certain that the child will never repeat the same mistake again as long as you keep on reminding him of her of the punishment.
10. The Qur’an can certainly be helpful in treating Insomnia. As we all know that the Qur’an is an extremely boring book which at the best induces laziness. So forget about sleeping pills use the Quran.
11. We know for certain that if properly cut into pieces we could make a nice Arabic Mural or doormat out of the Quran.
12. Gymnasium owners to replace expensive weight training machines with hard bound copies of the Quran, thus saving on a lot of money.
13. Since Muslims are so touchy about the Quran, the security agencies can start stomping and burning the Qur’an which is will enable the terrorists to come out of their hideouts into the open, thus making them an easy target. In the process many valuable Human lives will be saved.
14. Tearing pages from the Quran and pasting them on the roads will keep your neighborhood free of Muslims, who would never dare to drive over Allah’s word.
15. Quran can also be used as a shield by the Armed forces hence preventing the Muslims to fire at them in countries like Iraq and Afghanistan.
16. Since paper is of organic origin, the Quran can be used to fertilize your plants.
17. Quran is also a valuable teaching tool for kids who don’t study. Let me tell you how. Once a kid is punished by telling him to read the Quran the parent can tell him that if he does not study well, he would have to read the Quran for the rest of his life.
18. Quran can also be used by the interrogators in terrorist detention centers where they will be subjected to the horror of reading the Quran for a good part of the day while they are awake. We really can’t think of a better way to torture someone.
19. Quran can be used in piggeries to clean the trash and filth left by the pigs.
20. Liquor stores can stock up Quran and use them to wrap the wine bottles and thus give an exotic look to them.

We have already got our free copies of the Quran. If you haven’t gotten one, rush to the Saudi Embassy to get yours?